Change is never easy. You fight to hold on, you fight to let go

Its been 9 months

2007-09-09T00:37:00.001+03:00

Its been 9 months..

9 months since we stopped caring

9 months where it hardly ever stopped hurting

9 months of wondering where the hell we went wrong

9 months of waiting for you to know exactly how I was feeling

9 months of waiting for you to hold me so tightly and make everything right again

9 months of convincing myself to try even harder at getting you back

9 months of trying so hard not to give up and walk away

9 months of wondering whether you were sad or happy..whether you had someone to take care of you..whether I always meant this little to you that it wasn't worth your while to actually miss me and fight for me

9 months and still counting!!

I wish I hated you

2007-07-18T20:48:00.000+03:00

I shouldn’t care about you anymore. I shouldn’t care if you’re happy or sad, sick or healthy, dead or alive. It shouldn’t mean a thing to me. I should hate you. I should swear to myself that I will never speak to you again. You should be begging me for forgiveness, you should be admitting how much you wronged me.

Everything you did, it hurts, it really does. Yet I continue to love you. I continue to care about you. I continue to forgive you without you even asking for my forgiveness. I wish you could just stop for a second and think about how great I have been to you. Think about how many chances I gave you repeatedly when you didn’t deserve it. Think about how many times I was so excited to see you. Think about how I actually made you a priority in my life, and everything you ever wanted I was willing to give you. I would have given the world to see you happy. It kills me, it tears me apart when I see you sad. I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself, and I really don’t know why you’re doing it to me. Like you said, I don't deserve this. Loving you is hard, hating you is even harder.

The beginning of the end

2007-07-17T22:42:00.000+03:00

I look back at my life and it’s a rollercoaster, ups and downs and all around. I crave for that straight clear line where I can see where I am and where I’ll be in the future. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. I keep hoping that the future is better than the present because I don’t even know where I am now. I guess I just thought I had everything all figured out. Everything just fit into its place, like a completed puzzle, and then pieces of the puzzle were removed and I’m just starting to notice that they're gone. Now I miss the parts that were removed without me even noticing them. Now I want nothing more than to put the puzzle back together but I just can’t.

“Where did I go wrong?”

Day by day I’ll be trying to figure things out here.