I wish I hated you

I shouldn’t care about you anymore. I shouldn’t care if you’re happy or sad, sick or healthy, dead or alive. It shouldn’t mean a thing to me. I should hate you. I should swear to myself that I will never speak to you again. You should be begging me for forgiveness, you should be admitting how much you wronged me.

Everything you did, it hurts, it really does. Yet I continue to love you. I continue to care about you. I continue to forgive you without you even asking for my forgiveness. I wish you could just stop for a second and think about how great I have been to you. Think about how many chances I gave you repeatedly when you didn’t deserve it. Think about how many times I was so excited to see you. Think about how I actually made you a priority in my life, and everything you ever wanted I was willing to give you. I would have given the world to see you happy. It kills me, it tears me apart when I see you sad. I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself, and I really don’t know why you’re doing it to me. Like you said, I don't deserve this. Loving you is hard, hating you is even harder.

The beginning of the end

I look back at my life and it’s a rollercoaster, ups and downs and all around. I crave for that straight clear line where I can see where I am and where I’ll be in the future. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. I keep hoping that the future is better than the present because I don’t even know where I am now. I guess I just thought I had everything all figured out. Everything just fit into its place, like a completed puzzle, and then pieces of the puzzle were removed and I’m just starting to notice that they're gone. Now I miss the parts that were removed without me even noticing them. Now I want nothing more than to put the puzzle back together but I just can’t.

“Where did I go wrong?”

Day by day I’ll be trying to figure things out here.